i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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