My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
