fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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