yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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