we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
