i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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