Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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