Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
