I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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