My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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