Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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