did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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