My friends, they love my intelligence
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
