I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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