I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
