someone threw a dead crab at me
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
