I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
