a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
