Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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