I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
