I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
