I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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