If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
