If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
