god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
