your thong is hanging out like whoa
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
