Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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