we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
