remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
