Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Randomize
