I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
it's like iHOP with fire
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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