woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
