you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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