oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
