i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
