Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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