Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
