Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
