Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
