What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
