I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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