If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I fill condoms, not promises.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize