best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
