Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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