Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
