my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
