I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
