So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
