happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
