I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
