So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
