We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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