sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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